Whenever we talked, we were pretty blunt enough to tell each other our opinions even if we were wrong and then give our reasoning. We listened and respected each other’s thoughts. There were moments, though, when it comes to serious matters, I would always tell you my honest feelings and also how I would intuitively guess how you are feeling as well as your perspective on things. Sometimes, I’m amazed how “correct” I am with my guesses and you would always say, “You’re right.” I think the reason why “I’m right” is because I’m very attentive towards you. So I always follow my gut reactions and sincerely say how I feel.
From my previous letter, I said, “I tried to understand things from your perspective. That’s why I accepted what you said even if I don’t actually believe your ‘reason.'” Just like how I would express my feelings and guess your reasoning before, I’m going to tell you why I don’t believe you. I am a literature major, just like you, and we love to analyze and interpret words/language. It’s our natural calling.
Now I should have maybe asked for a FaceTime chat as opposed to a phone call, but to be honest, I didn’t have the courage to do that especially since I already know what’s gonna happen. The reason why I should have asked for a video chat is because body language tells a lot more than words.
When you told me that you didn’t have any romantic feelings for me anymore, I was heartbroken (and still am). However, when I asked you for a reason, you just said, “I don’t know.” And you know that I hate “I don’t knows.” You never gave me a real reason or the truth, to be honest, and so it’s hard for me to accept this and move on when you don’t give me any substance to accept. It’s like having a thesis without any supporting evidence (and that’s just frustrating). However, my friend told me, “Maybe he isn’t sure right now, but later on, he might tell you.” (And that is a possibility, maybe one day or never.)
However, even if you don’t know yourself, some of your statements were a bit confusing to understand such as, “If I were to date anyone, it should be you…” and also the fact that you encourage me to “hate you” or “get mad at you.” Though, the reason why I think you would encourage anger in me is because it would be easier for me to move on. It gives me some concrete evidence as to why you are a “jerk.” Yet it’s impossible for me to hate you or get mad at you for this because you didn’t do anything wrong—you honestly said how you feel and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I also asked you the question: “Are you afraid to fall in love?” Your answer was, “I don’t know. I never thought about it before.” Well from the way you presented yourself, I think you are. I think out of all your years of living, you never thought of the possibility that some girl would actually like you just as you are. A girl that would accept your imperfections and treat them as perfections. Even on your roughest days, you are still a 100. Sure you are reckless and rough around the edges, but you are one of the most caring and thoughtful people I know. And so when a girl like me comes along, you have no idea what to do because you never been in this situation before. Therefore, you did what you do best, run away. I mean, I don’t blame you. I would be startled myself since I am a pretty strong person in regards to knowing what I want in a guy and also the type of relationship I would want with a significant other.
And so the real reason as to why you left, I think isn’t the fact that you don’t have “romantic feelings” for me anymore, but rather, you aren’t ready for a girl like me. You don’t feel confident enough that you can be with me. You don’t feel like you are the right guy for me. You don’t feel like you can properly cherish me like I deserve to be and that’s why you said, “I deserve the best.” I also think that there are other external factors that contributed to your decision: timing, distance, and figuring out our lives.
And so, that’s why you did what you did. You didn’t want to admit to these insecurities because you know that I would be very stubborn and loyal and would actually wait for you until you are ready. And knowing you, you didn’t want me to do that because you didn’t want me to miss any new opportunities that may come my way. You didn’t want to hold me back. I think it’s silly, though, to think that because even I don’t have my life completely together or have all the answers, but I go with the flow and take life day-by-day. It sucks, though, because I wanted you there on the journey alongside me as we figure things out together. However, there are certain things that you need that I can’t give you, but instead, you have to figure out for yourself which is understandable.
So what do I make of this then? Well, I don’t know (and I’m actually using the statement I hate so much because I really don’t). I’m not even sure if I’m right about my theory. If I’m right, I wish you could have phrased things differently as opposed to what you have actually said. Yet, you could just actually feel that you don’t have any feelings for me anymore. But I rather not think about that possibility because I like my theory more and it’s the first time where I wish I’m actually right. However, I won’t ever know because I won’t ever ask you nor do I want to know because facing reality is much harder than living in a fantasy. I’m not ready to do that yet.