Dear You

2.17.2017 #4

Dear You,

As sad and heartbroken as I am, I’m not angry at you. I should be, though. My friends are actually more angry at you than I thought they would be. They thought what you did was selfish and cruel (and they are right). They had high hopes for you, and they saw it in my eyes and heard it in my voice that I fell for you. So when I was happy, they were happy for me, but now that they see me so heartbroken, it breaks their hearts too.

I’m not angry, though. I knew the moment that I expressed my feelings towards you what I was getting myself into. I knew the cards I was dealt with were a bad hand, but I decided to go with the flow and followed my stupid heart even if it led to treachery and it did. I knew the pros and cons of the choice I made and now I have to deal with the outcome despite it not being what I hoped it would be.

I don’t regret it. I played my cards well and tried my damn hardest to make this work. Yet it wasn’t enough. Maybe if I was dealt a better hand, things would be different. To be honest, if that were the case, I would bet my money that it would be different because I believe we would have had a much happier ending.

My friends and my sister are worried about me. They never saw me this sad before. I was never this sad about something until now. Usually, when I’m sad or disappointed, I get over it quickly and move on with my life. Yet to be sad over this, especially a boy, it’s very unlike me. This time, though, it’s different. You’re a different case. You broke walls. You broke barriers. And then you broke the most vulnerable part of me, my heart, with just a few simple words.

Yet I’m still not angry at you even though you did that. I tried to understand things from your perspective. That’s why I accepted what you said even if I don’t actually believe your “reason.” You never wanted to hurt me nor make me cry and I believe in that. It’s funny, though. Rather than taking care of my feelings, I’m still worrying about yours. I shouldn’t care about you anymore, but I still do.

I care too much. I care too much that I think about you all the time now. How are you feeling? Do you eat well? Are you exercising in preparation for the resistance? How’s work? Are you stressed out? Tired? How’s your writing? Did you find any inspiration? No writer’s block? Have you been keeping up with all your Netflix shows? Are you sleep well nowadays? When you can’t sleep, do you close your eyes and just listen to music to distract your mind? Are you lonely? Do you have anyone to talk to about the things that make you sad or mad or when you have a happy moment to share? Or do you just bottle everything up inside, lie on the floor, and contemplate how horrible of a person you are? (If you do that, I would be very sad).

And lastly, are you happy?

-Me

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7 comments

  1. I am not going to “like” this post, as simply put, what is there to like about a post about someone who is going through such a rough and hard time. I am really sorry to read you are feeling so down. Love can really be wonderful, but can also make you feel so incredibly sad and down that you wonder at times if it is all worth it.
    All I can say is, time will eventually make you feel better. I can relate a bit as I myself am currently very much in love with someone who does not feel that way about me. Even though we are very close friends it becomes hard to see her each day and know it will never be more than friendship. In the end though, writing about it helps. Posts like these will help you get through things as well. Please take good care of yourself, and I really hope you will feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I am glad you can relate to my posts. I think there are things people are too afraid to say out loud or “in the moment” because we aren’t sure how the other person would react or feel. Writing these letters really helps to get my feelings across and put the heart at ease rather than constantly thinking. And to be honest, I am tired of thinking.

      Yes, time is supposed to heal all or with time, you move on. However, as humans, I think there are only a handful of people that you can really connect with and he was one of them. It’s tough losing someone you value so much cuz it’s like your missing something every day.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmm, yes thinking about things can quite honestly sometimes drive you completely insane. And it really makes you tired as well. I understand what you are saying, sometimes you meet someone in your life that you have such a powerful connection with, that when they are gone it almost feels as if you might never recover from it. I hope you will find the strength to do so though. It’s something that I must do as well, and it is incredibly tough. All I can say is good luck, and please take care.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not the best with words, Lyn, and I tend to get into trouble more often than not because I can’t find the right advice or words to express what I want to say. I am so sorry you’re dealing with a lot of hard things. I can’t imagine how it feels right now, but I hope that you’ll feel better over time. We’re all here for you and please don’t feel alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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