How are you today? My motivation to do anything this week is at an all time low, but luckily, one of my professors did not assign any new homework this week because we are so behind. So I was given a break. Thank goodness!
There was actually a lot of things that I wanted to tell you back in January. Some great news in fact, but you never seemed up for a conversation and I assumed that you were tired and busy. So I’ll tell it to you here. I got the TA position I told you about before. I was surprised because I didn’t think I’d get it since there are a lot of other qualifying students for the job other than me. The kids I have are pretty talkative, so class discussions are always lively but maybe it’s because the topic is interesting. The class I’m TA-ing for is this “Fantasy and Fiction” course in the Comparative Literature department.
Also, I’m commuting to my alma mater for a class this semester. The class is on Japanese classical poetry which is my favorite thing to study in Japanese literature. I enjoy reading the love poems because usually these poets have a sense of longing to be with their beloved but they can’t due to external/internal factors. Who knew that I would feel the same way as these poets—that’s pretty sad. Yet by having these emotions, I think I can capture the aesthetics and emotions of these poets better which will give me a greater understanding of what the poems are all about (I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just trying to find a positive aspect of this, I guess).
Although I like taking that class, commuting kind of sucks because it is like a three-hour commute to and back. If we were still talking, I would have bothered you to keep me company, but instead, now I just listen to music, daydream, and think. It’s tough being alone and thinking though because my mind wanders to you. Also, one shouldn’t cry using public transportation because you might end up looking crazy (I managed to keep my face tamed).
My sister told me that I’m mainly missing your presence since every day I looked forward to talking to you. It’s true that I do and now I have to fill it in with other things to occupy my time. However, I think your presence is irreplaceable. It was easy to talk to you. You were the first person that I can easily share my feelings with because usually I just keep my emotions and thoughts to myself or bottle them up inside (which annoys my sister and parents). Also, to be honest, even though I share my feelings with my friends, it isn’t the same. With you, it was easy to converse, talking to you came out naturally. I would share with you: happy experiences, the things that make me upset, and also just acting silly or cute. It’s easy because I can just be myself and there weren’t any boundaries.
And I enjoyed listening to your thoughts and feelings even if they weren’t happy at times. Just by you telling me about your day, I felt close to you. I wonder if you felt the same way? Was it easy to share things with me? Or did you still kept your guard up because you were too scared or didn’t want to worry me? I ask these questions because I get the impression you felt uncomfortable telling me things at times when I asked. That is part of the reason why I said at one time, “It’s okay. You will tell me what I need to know.”
You have a lot of emotions. I just wished you could have shared them with me so that I can understand you more. I think I got “too close” to you and that scared you because you never seem to want anyone entering your mind or know what you truly think/feel…